Lose Before You Find
by Leonata8913
Summary: When Arthur banishes Merlin for Sorcery, no one is prepared for the horrid repercussions. Can Arthur set things right before all is lost? Will Merlin even want to come back? And What of Morgana?
1. Chapter 1

The discussion between Arthur and Merlin on the subject of magic had become an increasingly common one, it seemed to Arthur, and each time left him a mixture of more confused and something neither wanted to look too closely into. Well, that was how Arthur saw it, at least. Merlin on the other hand always seemed to press the issue with a hidden knowledge that was severely opposite of his normal carefree (In Arthur's opinion) demeanor. He sighed as Merlin went into yet another unorganized rant, who ignored said royal as he continued to make the bed.

"-Well, I can't really say I hate it when I have it and-"

Oh.

Oh no. That's not what he meant to say at all. He had meant to say that he didn't believe all people with magic were evil... Not That! He stood stiff at the foot of Arthur's bed, his hands in mid-air holding the crimson sheets in his suddenly stiff and slightly shaking fingers.

Even working on paperwork as he listened to Merlin talk, which normally came as an odd comfort, his hand stilled and he looked up at Merlin; surely he had heard wrong. "Sorry, what was that, Merlin?" he asked, his brow creased.

The man immediately dropped the bedding and scurried to the over side of the room and kept his back to his king. His heart was like a drum, an erratic, jerky drum that was pounding in his ears. "Umm... J-just joking...?" He squeaked out. He cursed his voice for cracking. He only prayed that Arthur wouldn't see through the lie, though really, when did he ever?

Now, If Merlin had managed to brush it off casually, Arthur might have put it from his mind, but of course the idiot had to go and act the fool about it. There was no way he could ignore that, so he set his quill down on the desk and stood, padding over to where Merlin was standing. The king could practically see the lines of Merlin's body vibrating with tension. "Did you just say you had magic?" he questioned.

Merlin once again cursed himself. He knew he was crap at lying, but this was not the time to stutter and sweat! He hastilly shook his head. "What if I did? It eouldn't matter... I'm just a servant- a very bad one, at that." he mumbled and went to picking up and tidying the room- for the second time. He really just needed something to distract him. "Don't you have a speech to memorize?"

"Merlin, look at me," Arthur demanded, not about to play with Merlin and suddenly not at all in the mood to. The other man could try all the avoidance tactics he wanted, but he'd been at Arthur's side for years now and he knew all his tricks. "Look at me and tell me the truth." He demanded, and if one were to listen in close enough, they could almost hear what could only be described as desperation in the young king's tone.

Merlin trembled in his place. He couldn't get out of this one. He couldn't avoid the question. Couldn't turn down the demand. He couldn't do anything except tell Arthur the truth, but could he really?

Wait- this was Arthur! The same Arthur who had saved a druid boy against his father's wishes. Who apologized and cried for the death of a Druid camp. He could trust Arthur with this. He knew he could! Or at least he hoped- no, he could trust Arthur. He could tell him.

With uneasy legs, he stood straight, turning to face his king. "I-I have magic." his voice cracked again, but he kept his eyes on his king, hoping his trust shown in his eyes.

Something, he didn't care to know what, crumpled in Arthur's chest as Merlin confessed, his shoulders slumping for a few moments before he forced himself to hold himself properly again, steeled. "No..." he said quietly. "You can't- You're going to betray me, too. Just like everyone else." It wasn't a question, he couldn't bring himself to add the infliction.

The raven stiffened. This wasn't supposed to happen, surely Arthur wouldn't believe him to be like Morgana. "I've been with you all these years, Arthur. I have never betrayed you once. I would not betray you now. You should know me better than that." he spoke just as softly, as if the world around them would shatter if they spoke any louder.

"I had thought I did know you better than that," Arthur said, still softly but with ice slowly creeping into his voice. "Then again, I thought I knew Morgana better than that, too. I suppose everyone's destined to betray me in the end." He screwed his eyes shut and clutched his hands into shaking fists. "Get out, Merlin." He spat.

Merlin's eyes widened at the command. This couldn't be happenibg. This could not be happening! He was supposed to stay by Arthur's side! "Arthur, please listen to me. I could never betray you. I may have magic, but I use it for you, Arthur, only for you!" he tried to explain himself, but the tears forming in his eyes only made things worse. He took a step forward, only to have the cause of his despair take a step back.

"You expect me to believe anything you say?" Arthur snapped, his fists beginning to shake (from anger orcomplete and utter sadness, he didn't know), feeling like his last crutch had just been snatched from underneath him. Merlin was all he truly had, and now... Now everything was different, and he couldn't trust a sorcerer. "I've heard the same from plenty of others who have turned around and used my trust against me. I won't let it happen again."

Merlin looked down. "Arthur... Please... I can't leave. Everything I have is here." he whispered. "Everything I love is here._" You're here. _ he wanted to say, but knew he should hold his tongue.

Finally losing his composure, Arthur shot forward and Merlin by his goddamn neckerchief. "You should have thought of that before you came here, you worthless piece of trash." He seethed before tossing the man to the floor.

Just before Merlin's body made contact with the floor, his head collided with the corner of the table and he let out a small cry as the rest of him crumpled to the ground. He slowly raised the tips of his fingers to his forehead and instantly felt blood trickling down his face.

He whimpered slightly, but got up all the same, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "Alright... if that's what you want... Arthur." he choked out before starting for the door. He stumbled a few times, but Arthur didn't move. Didn't try to help. Only glared with absolute hatred and hurt.

"And Arthur... I just want you to know," Merlin said with his palms pressed to the door. "I will always only use my magic for you. That will never change... I just hope that one day you can forgive me... I really hoped you trusted me more than this." he then pushed open the door and walked out, tears streaming down his flushed cheeks.

He had never been able to stand seeing Merlin cry, it had always made him want to comfort and soothe him, but he couldn't, now. Arthur watched him go, not going after him, not sending anyone after him. His years in his service have earned him that much, at least. At least that was Arthur's view point. Merlin was just like everyone, lying and manipulating. "I did trust you. More than anyone else. A mistake, I see." He could hear the door shut, but didn't turn to see. The right thing to do would be to send knights after Merlin anyway, but he didn't go back on his word, and he was sure that even if he did, half his knights would leave at Merlin's side before they hunted him. Instead, he slumped back down at his desk, head in his hands.

~X~

Merlin had left that night, heartbroken. He couldn't face anyone, not even Gaius. He just left without a single goodbye. He packed whatever he could carry on a single horse and rode out of the gates of Camelot. He knew he couldn't trust himself to stay in Ealdor, so he just stopped there for one night to say goodbye to his mother and tell her he was sorry. Then he left the next morning, no longer having any home, he simply decided to stay in the rickety old shack where he had pretended to be Dragoon. It wasn't exactly nice, but it was someplace far from Camelot and farther away from heart ache.

~X~

It had been nearly a week and a half and Gwaine was the first to take notice his friends disappearence. It was never like Merlin ti simply up and leave without telling anyone for THIS long. Beibg the noble man he was, he asked around at the tavern and with the other servants, hoping that some of them had any inkling of Merlin's location. He walked down the winding halls until he found a handmaid who, if he remembered correctly, often gave Merlin towels for the king when he bathed.

He strode over with purpose and gently coaxed her into a chat in an alcove. "Hello, Miss..." He trailed off smoothly, but slightly urgently.

The maid blushed but quickly collected herself. "My name is Anna, Sir Gwaine." She said as she bowed. Gwaine smiled congenially at her and kissed her knuckle.

"My dear, I must ask a favor of you. A friend of mine, Merlin. I can't seem to find him. I was wondering if you had any idea where he could be, being the beautifully intelligent mistress you are." He grinned.

Anna blushed at the compliment, but her eyes suddenly widened. "Wait? Merlin? Tall, skinny, extremely large ears?" She asked and Gwaine nodded. "I remember! I saw him a little over a week ago! He came running out of the king's chambers. I tried to ask him what happened, but he just ran. I could have sworn I saw blood on his face! But I couldn't be sure. I haven't seen him since." He said, stuttering in some places.

_'So Merlin had been with Arthur last.' _Gwaine frowned, he should have known Arthur was a part of it.

~X~

Merlin's absence left a hole in his life Arthur could never have anticipated. He couldn't count how many times in just one week he'd turned to say something to Merlin just to find the space at his side depressingly empty. He often found himself reaching out his hand in a cold sweat, calling out for the man he had turned away when he woke up. He never told anyone, not Gaius, Gwen, no one. He kept to himself more often, trying ti rid himself of the goddamn memories to pale skin, dark hair, sky blue eyes and ear that just demanded to be teased. But it was impossible. He couldn't get the and out of his head, nor the fact that he would never see him again. That may have been the most painful part if it all, but he could not just invite Merlin back. He was a sorcerer. He was lucky to be alive. And to let him back would be like going against everything his father believed in and betraying his people. But he couldn't help but wonder if he could ever have Merlin come back or if Merlin would even want to come back.

It left him quiet, and to make up for it and try to stay in his chambers more often, he threw himself into the paperwork. He even did the paperwork that he never would have thought to work on. Anything that needed to be done that didn't involve human interaction, was done with vigor by the king.

He didn't enjoy visitors lately, but he couldn't ignore the knock on his door, calling out, "Come in," just loud enough to know his voice would carry.

Glancing up as the door opened, Arthur sighed inwardly, not thrilled to see Gwaine. The knight only served him because of Merlin, and now he'd sent Merlin away. "Gwaine," he acknowledged, setting his quill down and folding his hands together on the desk, giving the other man his attention but not about to open his mouth about anything before it was asked of him.

Gwaine scowled at his superior. "Merlin's been gone for nearly two weeks now. Gaius is extremely worried and no one's seen him- none but you. You saw him the day he disappeared. I hoped you would enlighten me on what happened." he said stiffly.

"Well, you can tell everyone not to worry," Arthur answered smoothly, not a hitch in his voice, despite how much it hurt to say. If Merlin had been there he'd probably have spouted some nonsense about his eyes revealing his true feelings... But Merlin wasn't there. And he wouldn't be again, he reminded himself. "Merlin's left Camelot, I assume to return to his mother. I doubt he will be back."

Gwaine's eye brows arched at the news. Instead of asking why, he went straight for the real reason. "What did you do?" he all but growled. The thought of Merlin willingly leaving Camelot was simply absurd! He knew first hand just how loyal Merlin was to Camelot and everyone in it. He would never just leave on a whim, especially not planning on coming back. The knight folded his arms over his chest, expectantly.

Sighing quietly, Arthur closed his eyes for a moment. This was the last thing he wanted to bring up. "Merlin is a sorcerer," he said, not opening his eyes for a few moments after saying it. When he did, he was able to look at Gwaine with a level gaze. "In return for his years in my service, he was given the chance to leave Camelot without any harm coming to him."

Gwaine barely gave the fact that Merlin wa a sorcerer a thought, though it did make sense. Ot actually made a lot if things come together. "So?" he asked bluntly. "Merlin is still Merlin whether he has magic or not." he said profusely. "And if you believe that to be mercy, you may as well have killed him." He spat. If Merlin was killed, the pain would have been over, but no. Now he was forced to live alone for the the rest of his days in shame and humiliation.

"I do believe that to be mercy," Arthur snarled, his temper flaring suddenly. It was not anyone's right to question him. "For the crime of being a sorcerer, by all rights, he should have been either beheaded or burned ten times over, thanks to all the lies that he must have made up in his time at my side. The magic- I have been betrayed one too many times. I will not trust anyone else with magic, especially not so near to me."

Gwaine scoffed. "You're an idiot." he said with a huff. It was obvious who's side he was on and just how much he felt for it. "Merlin? Betray you? He would rather be ripped apart limb from limb than betray you. Not to mention he trusted you. With his life and the lives of the kingdom, Arthur." he reminded. "He even trusted you enough to tell you his biggest secret, he believed in you, trusted you enough and what did you do? You banished him and left him to live the rest of his life in exile, shame, knowing it was really you who betrayed him."

"He didn't trust me, though," Arthur said, slamming his palms down on the desk and standing to glare at Gwaine. "It was a slip of his tongue which he proceeded to deny. With good reason, of course, but it doesn't change anything. It doesn't change that he has lied to me for close to ten years, and it doesn't change that I have been in this situation before. Except I welcomed Morgana back into my life, and everyone knows what that led to." He glared at his knight with fury.

Gwaine glared right back. "You truly think that Merlin is anything like Morgana? Do you really think so little of him?" he bit out.

"Remember your place, Sir Gwaine, before you throw accusations at me. I do what is best for this kingdom." Arthur warned, becoming far too defensive.

"I don't care what position I'm in. You need to hear this. You're just scared that you'll lose him, but instead of trying to keep him by your side, you push him away like you hate him and that's exactly what he thinks." He knew full well that Arthur didn't hate Merlin. No one could ever truly hate him. He was too good. Too kind and far too valuable to anyone he meets.

"Telling him to leave has nothing to do with a fear of losing him. I have nothing to lose. Everyone has left my side, and I will not allow it to happen again." He would have said more, but there was only so much time to say anything when his voice caught in his throat. Gwaine had no right accuse him of such a childish excuse for banishing Merlin.

Gwaine turned on his heels for the door. "You didn't deserve his love an loyalty. You really are just an ass, as bad as your father." He knew that was a bit harsh, but it had to be said. "I'm going after him."

"Ass or otherwise, at least I did not run away from the positions and responsibilities I was born into," Arthur snapped, then sat back down in his desk chair, running his hands up into his hair. Gwaine was one of his finest knights, and he was not a man Arthur could afford to let walk away, not truly.

It was obvious what had happened, even if no one said anything to him. He knew that Gwaine had told the other's. Percival's absence was not a surprise, since he'd known Gwaine was going, and though the looks and obvious discomfort from his other two close knights was wearing on him, there was nothing he could do but press forward. It was what his father would have done. To go back on a decision was to show that he was unsure of himself, and therefore weak. He couldn't afford that. Even so, he wondered if this wouldn't turn his knights against him, and he was not foolish enough to believe he could hold the throne without their loyalty and support.

He cut training short, unable to stand the looks, and retired to his chambers to go over the numbers of everything in storage, make sure they had enough for the coming winter. He needed this. This distraction. Anything to take his mind off of-

Leon and Elyan knocked on the door loudly before coming in. Arthur sighed.

~X~

Gwaine and Percival had travelled all the way to Ealdor in half the time it would have taken normally, being in the hurry that they were. Once they finally made it to the small village, they were greeted warmly by Hunith. It was to their complete dismay when they were told that Merlin was not there. They asked the woman where he had gone, but Hunith had as little idea as they did.

They left again that same day, set on finding the warlock. Gwaine knew Merlin better than anyone else, he knew that in the state Merlin was in, that last thing he needed to be was alone. They travelled for four days and three nights before they finally caught glimpse of a small tattered shack. Normally, they would have thought nothing of it. Gwaine even turnedj his horse in the opposite direction.

"Wait!" Percival reprimanded and pointed to a small clothes line behind the house. On the line?

A red Necherchief.

~X~ End Chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2

Hearing about the reason for Merlin's sudden disappearance was heartbreaking, really, but if he was honest, Percival would not have expecting any differently from Arthur. Not at first, anyway. Arthur was a headstrong and stubborn man, hardly every deviating from whatever decision he made, good or bad. The only times he ever truly renounced a verdict was when Merlin talked him out of it or someone was hurt. It seemed neither would dissuade Arthur from… banishing Merlin, but the King appeared convinced that this was the only solution. Percival simply figured that after a few days to calm down, the king would have seen reason and allowed Merlin home with open arms. Time had, unfortunately, proven that was not the case. Percival himself had went to talk to the King and was greeted by angry shouts and sneered comments before news of Merlin's departure even came to him. It was surprising, but understandable, considering the situation.

He still felt Arthur was wrong in his choices and was more than willing to ride out with Gwaine, even if it did seem like some kind of wild goose chase. Merlin was one man, one man who left Camelot days before. For all they knew, he was already set up as a physician in a small village in some far kingdom, happy and safe. In any case, he would still be miles and miles ahead of them in any direction they went in. It wasn't that he didn't want to find the young man, but leaving the castle for something that could take them weeks, made turning back and looking another day all the more appealing.

That is, of course, until they saw the red neckerchief and brown jacket hanging from a clothes line. Anyone who had ever met Merlin knew about his insatiable obsession with neckerchiefs, why it was hanging outside of a run-down shack was beyond him. Wouldn't Merlin have tried to look for a village? Possibly look for apprenticeship in another kingdom? He turned his horse in the direction of the small shack and Gwaine was quick to follow.

They jumped off their horses as they came to the small hut and tied them both to a tree. Gwaine and Percival both hesitated before leaving their swords in the scabbards connected to the saddles. They didn't know what exactly they would find after all. For all they knew, some old Hermit was living in that shack and had stolen Merlin's clothes. Unlikely, but a possibility nonetheless. Tentatively, but restlessly, they walked up to the front door, though it seemed like a half attached piece of wood.

As luck would have it, Merlin opened the door just as the duo were about to knock. Not being the most nimble person in the land, Merlin had made a rather shocked exclamation and stumbled back, droping the small satchel he had been holding. Of course, after he collected his wits about himself, he smiled. And that was Gwaine's first red flag.

It was empty, far from the Merlin he'd known, and before saying anything he reached out to lay a hand on his shoulder, squeezing lightly.

Naturally, Merlin was surprised to see the two knights, but was more than happy to have them as a comfort for a while. Well, as happy as he could be. "Why are you two here?" he asked after inviting the two inside his (make-shift) home. He felt a tad bit awkward, but once again, faked a smile.

"Because our great King Arthur is an ass," Gwaine answered immediately, sarcasm laced with Arthur's title. Percival shook his head slightly but followed Gwaine in anyway, closing the door.

"What he means is that Arthur is in the wrong, and that you have the support of the knights," he corrected in a much less venomous tone, smiling sadly at Merlin.

Merlin sighed. "I appreciate the support- I really do, but you didn't have to come all the way out here and tell me. I'm fine." Alright, worst lie he could fathom, but he didn't want to show the knights how much he was hurting. It was bad enough that he couldn't come back home, now he had blatant reminders of that fact standing in front of him. "Sorry to say, but it was a wasted trip."

"It wasn't," Percival assured, shaking his head. Merlin could try to tell them he was fine, but the smile he was managing was too far from his bright grins to be believable. "It's not a wasted trip. Elyan and Leon stayed behind... No doubt they are trying to convince Arthur to look beyond his fear of being betrayed again to see what actually happened. All of us can see it. It's only a matter of time before Arthur comes to fetch you himself." It may have been wrong to say with such sureness, but he did believe it, and Merlin looked like he needed something to hope for.

"You should have seen the way he looked at me." Merlin defended and leaned against one of the house's support beams. Blue eyes filled with hate and disgust and betrayal flashed across his vision and Merlin clenched his fists. "I'm the last thing he'll ever want to see…" His shoulders sagged slightly, but he immediately corrected it and looked up defiantly. "And quite frankly, I don't want to see him right now." Finally being away from all of Arthur's drama and his constant need for supervision had really given Merlin the opportunity to reflect on his life within Camelot. He truly didn't like what he saw. He felt that he had wasted all those years and given up so much for the damn prat and he had gotten little to no recognition beyond being a clumsy fool. At least; that's what he tried to convince himself of. Maybe Merlin just didn't want to face rejection again, maybe he was scared. What if he simply wanted to run away from it all, so as not to get hurt?

"I saw his face well enough when I went in to yell at him," Gwaine cut in. "He's just a coward, Merlin. That's what it is. He's a bloody coward who's pushing you away before you leave him of your own volition. Which, for how he treats you, I still don't understand why you didn't years ago."  
>That got a laugh out of the raven, empty and a little hurt. True, Arthur didn't always give him respect and stepped on him sometimes. But Merlin always felt it was worth when they both came out victorious against any adversary; at least, that's what Merlin thought… He bit his lip in slight apprehension, looking off to a random corner and folding his arms over his chest.<p>

"That's not the point," Percival reminded, fondly exasperated by Gwaine's temper. "The point is, this is not going to last long, Merlin. He needs you; anyone can see that." He stepped forward and placed a large, warm hand on Merlin's shoulder. "I'm sure if you came back today, Arthur would welcome you back with open arms. We both know he misses you, even if he won't admit it."

Merlin bit the inside of his cheek, then shuddered and shook off Percival's hand. "I-I don't know... I just... I don't think I'm going to come back. Not now, anyway…" There. He said it. It was out in the open.

Gwaine looked to their friend with understanding. "Alright, Merlin. Just give us a heads up on when you come back." Gwaine said, making it a point to say 'when' and smirking like Merlin hadn't just announced his not coming back. This only made Merlin roll his eyes, typical of Gwaine to be like this. Percival, however, frowned sadly and placed his hand stiffly to his side. He could tell Gwaine was just as disappointed, probably even more so. They had come to retrieve and bring the warlock home, not bring back a message of him never coming back. It seemed, though, that Merlin still wasn't ready to come home just yet and the knights would respect their friend's wishes.

The remainder of their evening consisted of normal banter, keen on not speaking of Merlin's choices of staying away. Merlin would ask how Gaius and the other Knights were doing and Gwaine would go on long and extravagant stories of his trips to the Tavern and Percival would Blush when he was brought into said stories. It was nice. No rank or public view to stop them from being simply the purest of friends. It was truly enjoyable. Eventually, Gwaine brought up the nerve to ask: "So, what will you be doing now?"

That made Merlin think. "I honestly don't know..." he looked out the small window with a faint smile. "I may start traveling through the kingdoms. Might be worth a shot to put my teachings as a physician to good use, helping the sick and injured." He said with a shrug. Gwaine and Percival nodded, they could see Merlin becoming a great healer, he already was so good with Gaius and helping the people of Camelot, other kingdoms would be lucky to have him.

"Can you show us?" Percival asked meekly, ducking his head and giving a shy smile. If he was honest, he had been looking forward to witnessing Merlin perform magic.

"My, Sir Percival, You wish to provoke treason from an innocent civilian? Shame!" Gwaine threw his arms about dramatically, before waggling his eye brows in the young man's direction. "So, can you?" Leave it to Gwaine to openly flirt and ask for a forbidden art to be performed at the same time. Merlin blinked at them owlishly, sitting straighter and a bit more cautious.

"Show you…"

"Magic, of course." Gwaine stated blatantly, putting on a sincere expression and leaning a bit more forward on the small stool he was perched on. Merlin, once again, blinked, then sighed and looked away.

"Arthur told you…" It wasn't a question. It was a statement beyond finality. Had Arthur already announced his banishment? Already told everyone that he was a dangerous Sorcerer who was to be killed on sight? Gwaine nodded, placed a hand on Merlin's knee.

"Only when I demanded it of him. As far as I know, he's told no one else of your reasons for leaving. For all the kingdom knows, you quit or are on temporary leave to visit home." The Brunette promised and Merlin wouldn't question what Gwaine of all people was telling him. "So… Can you show us something? Anything is fine." Merlin shifted a bit awkwardly, looking around, before nodding and raising his hand to a small basin of water across the room.

Without the use of any words, Merlin's eyes flashed a glowing ember hue and the two Knights stared in utter awe as the water began to ripple, then glow an unearthly blue. They had seen magic before, but never like this, never in such an elegantly perfect dance as strings and drops of water rose and swirled to form intricate patterns and figures in midair. This was magic in one of its most pure forms, elemental manipulation, using the forces of the earth and creating something using only what you have. Merlin glanced in their direction before twisting his wrist ever so slightly and the water rivulets suddenly diverted and floated over to the two nights, the glow making their chainmail gleam with magic and light. In front of Gwaine, the liquid morphed and shifted into a beautiful water nymph, flitting and twirling around his head, making him smile brightly. Before Percival, several dolphins formed and leapt through an artificial surface of an ocean. Eventually, though, Merlin had to release his hold on the water and guided it back into the basin.

"Tada…" The warlock said meekly, shrugging his shoulders and blushing up to his ears. Percival was at a loss for words as he just continued to stare at the basin filled with plain, ordinary water that no longer glowed or moved. Gwaine, however, was transfixed on Merlin.

"Merlin…" He stated before laughing joyously, "You are amazing."

~X~

The two knights left the next morning, being sure to give Merlin a heartfelt farewell. They still didn't like the fact that Merlin was not planning on returning to Camelot, but as of that moment, there was nothing they could do. Merlin was an adult, he could take care of himself and make his own choices. The journey back to Camelot was filled with a thick silence as Gwaine stewed. Percival knew first hand that Gwaine was over protective of Merlin and was furious with Arthur for even thinking of turning his back on his own servant and friend. It was understandable, and Percival was in agreement, to some degree. It was wrong of Arthur, but Merlin did lie…

By the time they finally made their way back to the castle, Arthur was waiting by the gate with Gaius, looking much older, hunched behind him. Gwaine was hardly surprised when the King's eyes darkened when they did not find Merlin riding behind them. He glared at the Noble when he dismounted his mare. "I hope you're happy." The brunette bit out as he stalked past him. "Now Merlin's never coming back." He did not waste any energy by hiding the obvious distaste and scorn. Let the sod suffer for a bit for what he did. Let him grieve over wasting the opportunity to work with and befriend someone as incredible as Merlin, wasn't his problem. Percival was at least polite in greeting his king, stating their finds before walking with Gaius back to his chambers, the poor old man's features dimmed.

Arthur had shut himself in his chambers for the rest of the day after storming off, throwing back a strained "Good riddance!" In his wake. No one would know that there was a broken mirror and a few knocked over chairs that night and no one questioned when the King was found the next day with a cut up fist. Nobody needed to.

~X~

Weeks passed, slowly, but surely turning into months and no one heard from the banished warlock. Many of the Knights had expected him to at least write, Gaius being the most disappointed to never hear from his long since gone ward. Gwaine had even gone back to the shack in hopes of catching his old friend, but it seemed Merlin had gone through with his plan. When Gwaine arrived, all of Merlin's belongings and Merlin himself had vacated the hut and it seemed it had been vacant for quite a while. Gwaine had, of course, told the Knights at training and Arthur had overheard. That day of training lead to many of the knights needing to go to Gaius.

Of course, no one could blame Merlin for leaving and Arthur's sudden rise in temper. If Merlin wasn't wanted in Camelot, why shouldn't he leave and travel? It would certainly pass the time. And why shouldn't he? He was a free man now, with now stubborn royal to babysit or have his heart broken over. Why shouldn't he travel and maybe find a welcoming village in another kingdom to settle down in. At any rate, it was clear that Merlin had moved on and was not coming back. As for Arthur; Merlin was his friend, best friend really. It's no surprise that he would be upset by the news. The Knights and servants knew that it would be hard for the King from now on, but no one was prepared for the repercussions of Merlin's officially permanent absence.

Arthur's reaction was the most devastating.

He still ruled the kingdom as well as ever, but something had been reduced, taken away. He still went to meetings and feasts, doing all the movements, but not with any emotion. No soul. No... anything. He seemed to have turned into a shell of someone that once was. It even went as far as he would miss training and lock himself in his room for hours on end, not allowing anyone access.

And it did not go unnoticed by the citizens and knights of the entire Kingdom. Something needed to be done and fast, or else Camelot's ruler would surely lose more than just his charisma and brightness. The Kingdom was threatening to implode in on itself.

Against his better judgment, Arthur had allowed himself to be dragged on a patrol with the knights. It wasn't the most kingly thing to be doing, being that it was only something he could do while a Prince, but it was a small comfort. The Knights and been doing things like this for a while, trying to get him to come to the Tavern or to bring him out of his chambers even for a walk. Although Arthur would have preferred to be alone, he was appreciative for the men's efforts. Being out of the castle's stone walls and in the open, the free air of the forest really did help with Arthur's thoughts. He could breathe easier without having all his normal duties to plague his mind and push off more important matters.

Matters like Merlin.

The sodding git had been gone for this long and it seemed like more of a punishment for Arthur himself than the sorcerer in question. Never in his life would Arthur have thought that one's heart could feel so empty, so entirely off-kilter. Arthur sighed from his place in the camp as the rest were talking and eating their supper. They had decided to go around the outskirts of the kingdom and make it a four day trip. Arthur had no objections to getting out and staying away from his duties for a few days, but things were still slightly strained between them and the King knew that that would only change if Merlin came back. And as they all saw, that wasn't happening any time soon. Some of the men laughed and conversed, eating the soup that just didn't taste the same as when Merlin made it. Eventually, Gwaine pulled out the few deer skins filled with ale that they had brought along and the Knight's cups were soon filled. Arthur did not take any of the drink offered. A half hour passed and the men were quite drunk by this point, not to the stage of falling over, but most definitely had acquired loose tongues.

"So, who's the sod who'll clean up after us?" Sir Owaine asked loudly as he took another gulp of ale. Some of the men giggled, but Gwaine's features turned somber.

"Merlin would…" The Knights suddenly dimmed and looked down into their cups and bowls. "Merlin would have cleaned this whole camp with a smile and a smart comment…" Gwaine went on and Kay shrugged his shoulders.

"Guess that's over…" Was all he said and Leon nodded, looking over at Arthur. The King refused to meet the gaze.

"What ever happened to that boy?" Owaine asked, Gwaine frowned deeply.

"He was…" He stopped and sighed. "He was turned away, turned away and scorned. Merlin couldn't take the Heart break and he left. Found something better with his life-" Arthur didn't let the Knight continue.

"I think I'm going to go to bed." He said as he stood on his feet and set his full bowl of food down. There was no way he could stand to listen to another word, from anybody, especially Gwaine. The blatant verbal accusation that could only have been made for Arthur was something he did not want to deal with in front of his men. The Knights looked up at him, but didn't question it as they went back to their banter. He was happy to realize that the men were not in a questioning mood. Arthur just felt tired, extremely so that he was almost asleep before he got to his tent. He stepped inside, latched the opening closed, stripped off his chainmail and boots, then simply laid on his cot and closed his eyes. Within seconds he was out.

_Ever since he was a child, he would have dreams, dreams of a lake far from the castle. It was a beautiful lake with mountains outlining the horizon, wild flowers sprinkled across the banks and grass beneath the large trees, and positioned so that the moon, sun and all cycles in between gleamed across the calm waters elegantly. It seemed so untouched, so beautiful that it was almost like some other worldly sanctuary for him. Here, he could just sit and think without anyone to try and persuade his train of thought or remind him of his father's beliefs. This seemed to be one of those dreams._

_He walks calmly through the forest, letting the sounds and smells overtake his overly stressed mind, allowing his feet to deftly guide him to the large log on the bank of the water that he would sit on. So much nostalgia come to him as he looked at all the familiar trees and foliage, not even needing to look ahead of him to know where he was going._

_As he finally pushes past the thick bushes and over growth, he froze, spotting a figure by the lake, on his log, staring out at the water. But- No one ever came here. And if they did, they wouldn't come to such a remote section of the lake's edge. This was his dream, his place. Whoever this person was, was in his head._

_Before his mind could register what his limbs were doing, he was walking towards the person. Nothing other than pure curiosity and an odd pull guiding his legs. As he neared, his heart stuttered as that familiar mop of black hair came closer, too-big ears got bigger and the profile of that much too needed face became clearer._

_He stopped his movements only ten feet away, now knowing exactly who was in front of him, but realizing he hadn't thought of anything else to say, other than:_

_"Merlin..."_

~X~

A dark brown cloak billowed in the wind of the night as a figure hurriedly scurried through the forest. Twilight lit the scenery in an almost silver tinge, brightening the leaves of the trees and darkening the trunks to cast shadow upon shadow on the foliage covered ground. The cloak brushed against the floor occasionally, picking up a few stray leaves that had fallen prematurely before autumn even set in. An Owl sounded in the distance and swooped down to snatch its dinner of an innocent field mouse, its claws taking hold of the poor creature and flying off with the cover of night being to its advantage. As the figure neared their destination, they pulled a slender dagger from their boot and turned to an ancient oak to the right of the path. Looking for the correct knot on the old tree, they skimmed their hands over the bark. Finally seeing the correct hole, they stabbed the dagger into the knot and watched as a door carved itself out of the wood and opened silently with a small glimmer of gold. The figure entered through the door and waked down the set of steps that led deep into the earth. At the end of the stair case, an entrance to a chamber of sorts, one made of magic and stone and darkness. At the head of the chamber, The Witch sat on a cold throne of iron.

"What news have you brought that you call me on such short notice?" The Witch spoke and the cloaked figure shuddered.

"The… The King's servant, Merlin has fled. The King is weak in his grieve, he's only getting worse by the day. The Kingdom is falling." Morgana grinned at the announcement, standing from her throne to walk to her spy. The Witch pressed the pad of her forefinger to the underside of the person's chin and tilted their head up.

"You've done well, Anna. I'll send you with the potion to save your brother…" Anna gasped as Morgana suddenly slashed her cheek with the nail of her thumb, letting the blood run in a slow trail. "But you got it from a far off Market, and were attacked." She chuckled and glanced at the tip of her thumb to see the glistening blood, "I will know if you say anything, little one." Anna nodded shakily.

"Y-yes,.. Queen Morgana…"

End Chapter 2. To Be Continued.


	3. Chapter 3

Lose Before You Find Chapter 3

In reality, Merlin had not gone traveling as he had hoped, though he did visit some neighboring kingdoms. He had moved to the Lake of Avalon and set up a small home there. A little cottage with three rooms; living area/kitchen, bedroom, and storage room. He settled easily enough, only bringing the few items that he needed (His spell books, herbs, his own sword, etc.) and bringing them on his horse that he had gotten three weeks after his banish- departure. He had returned the Horse he took from Camelot by sending it with Gwaine and Percival. It truly wasn't all that bad, he would help or guide any travelers and even the odd band of Druids who were looking for safe passage over the border and to another kingdom. Merlin was happy to oblige in any way he could. Being able to instill the skills Gaius had taught him into good use was something that Merlin took pride in.  
>He still thought of Camelot, the people who lived within and even the structure itself, but he was too busy dealing with far more important matters to truly dwell for long, like tracking Morgana. Becoming Emrys. Gaining alliances with small pods of communities. Not think of blue eyes and miss a past friendship.<p>

That was what it was, stay busy, protect the people, and forget Arthur. Forget the pain and loss and move on, move on like Arthur had probably already done. Arthur had more than likely moved on the day after he left and had gotten himself a boot licker like George. Arthur didn't need Merlin and Merlin didn't want Arthur. Months of this and Merlin would still have to remind himself every day. The whole in his chest never went away, it remained, gaping as ever and filled some of his days with longing. He missed Camelot, that much was obvious and he wanted to so badly return, but something always stopped him. Something always came up or made him remember why he wasn't there in the first place.

He found himself getting increasingly more involved with the Druids lately, what with not having to hide his magic, he was able to use it as he pleased without any fear of consequence. It didn't mean he wouldn't still do things like any other person without magical aid, but it was nice to simply fill a basin without having to continuously make trips for water. It also gave him the opportunity to train and perfect more advanced and complicated spells that he could nearly perform perfectly without the aid of words.

And so, he slowly but surely, began to let people know him as 'Emrys' rather than 'Merlin'. He would go about from camp to camp and introduce himself to the people as the Idol they had longed for. Of course, he gained a few close friends who knew of his real name, but he would sometimes forget that it wasn't Emrys it had become so common. Merlin tried his hardest to be the leader the Druids wanted and he was doing a fair enough job without the other half of his coin. He was fine. He had even gone so far as to, God forbid it, seek out the Druid boy, Mordred. He was not a boy, though, more so a young man, only being about 15 years of age. The boy was not yet black hearted, but his mind was still twisted slightly from the previous influences of Morgana. Twisted but still salvageable, at least Merlin thought so.

At least Merlin hoped as he stepped into a field and screamed to the heavens in the Dragon Tongue.

_-X-_

At Merlin's first suggestion of forming an alliance with Mordred, Kilgarrah had immediately turned down the thought. To side with the very bane of your counterpart's existence was… Ludicrous was the only kind word that could have been given. Kilgarrah had given Merlin so many warnings of what the boy would surely do in the future, but the Warlock was determined. And as many know, once Merlin was set on something, almost nothing could deter him from that path.

"I can help him." He said, "I can save him from his own destiny and save Arthur." Merlin was convinced that if he could at least try to make Mordred see reason, see the good that could come from siding with him and not following Morgana, then he could ultimately save both Camelot and multiple people from certain death. The over grown reptile blew a steady stream of smoke from its mussel.

"I still do not see your view on this, young warlock, but I will trust that you have at least thought this threw, and are prepared to kill the Druid if he should show signs of betrayal." He had warned, but otherwise let Merlin carry out with his plans, he knew from past experiences that Merlin would not heed his advice otherwise.  
>_-X-_<p>

The moment that Merlin stepped into the Druid settlement, he knew that it would take a long while of convincing, confessions, and conversation to gain the Druid's trust once more, especially after all he had done. He gulped as he walked through the tents and people, bowing back to anyone who paid him homage, comfortable with the respect, but not so much with the almost-worship that some seemed reasonable to give him. He stepped into the farthest tent from the camp's entrance and smiled shyly when he was met with the presence of a familiar figure. They nodded their head to Merlin with a calm grin. Merlin liked this particular Druid, being slightly bias to the Healer for their divine wisdom and compassionate heart. The two had spoken and conversed with each other so often in the past that words of greeting were not even a consideration. They were both on a mutual agreement of respect.

"I have spoken to the boy…" The cloaked one said, turning to the center of the tent and bending down to open a chest. "He seems nervous, but willing, which I am grateful for, considering the circumstances and what he has been through." Their posture slackened and their shoulders sagged in sadness. "He misses her, deeply. Be patient with him." Merlin already knew of the conditions and was grateful for the tone. It wasn't demanding or condescending, simply informative and compassionate, like a kind mother. Like Hunith. Merlin nodded his head and stepped further into the tent.

"I know." Was all he said and the healer nodded with an air that gave warning, walking over to him with a parchment in hand and a necklace wrapped around the rolled up paper. "I wish you would reconsider this silly notion of yours."

"Mordred?" Merlin asked, bewildered as he took the two items. The individual shook their head and placed a hand on Merlin's cheek and stroked it with the pad of their thumb.

"No, you know what I mean." Nira said with a soft frown, looking up at Merlin wit pleading eyes. Her own green ones met his blue and they stayed like that for a long moment. Eventually, Merlin kissed her cheek and pulled away.

"Camelot is no longer my home. That much is final. Come, Mordred is probably waiting." Nira didn't say anything, but Merlin knew that she didn't approve of his loss in destiny, but also was kind enough and understood enough to not push him on the fact.

"One of the Elders should be along with him soon. Are you certain that this is all you needed?" She gestured to the parchment and necklace. Merlin nodded.

"Yes, the Gem stone in the necklace is from the Crystals of Muerdon. Morgana's been trying to find it for weeks. Thank you for getting it in such short time." Nira shrugged it off easily, noting how Merlin would not give the reason behind the parchment with runes that not even she understood. She was about to say something, but a rustle of fabric caught both of their attentions.

They turned to the opening of the tent to reveal Mordred standing at the opening with an Elder's hand on his shoulder and a look of trepidation. He looked about as terrified as Merlin felt. The child had dark, shaggy hair and strikingly pale skin, with cold, calculating, and pained eyes that jumped from Nira to Merlin rapidly. Nira gave 'Emrys' a little shove forward and Merlin felt his throat run dry; couldn't find the words he needed. Nira got the hint.

"Mordred," The woman said kindly, affectionately, walking over and bringing Mordred deeper into the tent, letting the Elder vacate quickly. "Meet Emrys. Your new Teacher."

_-X-_

Morgana seethed as the messenger informed her of the lost artifact. The Gem of Muerdon was her last hope of finding Emrys. She snarled and raised her hand as if to strike him, but he dropped to his knees almost immediately.

"My Lady! Please! We lost the Stone, yes, but we-" He struggled with the straps of his satchel to produce a rolled up piece of cloth with writing strewn over it in blue ink. "We found something of equal importance. King Arthur's servant is living on the outskirts, near a lake." Morgana had also, quite ironically, been looking for Merlin. He handed her the cloth tentatively. Morgana smiled cynically as she eyes the spell. Without a word, she turned and stalked over to an arrow resting on a small alter across the throne room of the lair. Holding her hand over the weapon, she chanted,

"Ic ben, Nashth mel. Gormaquel ana rasha, Death o malris dkutks jv y uon." Her eyes burned gold and the arrow glowed with a sickly black shadow before dimming and reverting back to its original appearance. Lifting the arrow, Morgana twirled it in her grasp before returning to stand in front of the messenger. "Good. You will find him, and give him my little gift." She smirked and gave him the arrow. "We shall make him suffer at the highest cost for information, and send his head to Arthur on a stake."

_-X-_  
>It took exactly three weeks and two days before Mordred's trust and belief in Emrys had come back with a glowing vengeance. Merlin was quite surprised, but truly knew in his heart that Mordred would be loyal to him, just as Merlin would stay loyal to teaching Mordred the proper use of magic.<br>Now Mordred practically lived with the older man now, staying over whenever he could while his settlement was in the area and stayed as long as he could to study with his 'teacher'. At first, Merlin was hesitant to the boy's sudden eagerness, but soon enough found it almost endearing how Mordred was so willing and content to be his apprentice. He never liked being known as Mordred's teacher, rather, he liked to call himself Mordred's guide. A habit of modesty that was pretty hard to break. Nearly every day, Mordred would stroll up to Merlin's small hut from the woods and simply walk in as if it were his own, he was already familiar with it enough. And every day, without fail, Merlin would greet him happily, offer him a nice meal (Depending on the time of day) and they would get to training. Mordred would often have questions on a certain type of spell that Merlin would be happy to oblige in answering to the best of his ability. He would sometimes ask of Camelot, of the world that Merlin left behind and the man would just as often tell him the truth. It hurt to talk about it, yes, but Merlin would keep no secrets from his pupil, even if he did dodge any questions about Arthur. Mordred took whatever explanation was given with an open mind and calculating comebacks and follow-up questions. Then, they would stand side by side by the bank of the lake and work on both verbal and nonverbal spells. The Druid boy still had much to learn, but Merlin was confident in the progression of Mordred's quick mind. The two had a bond, believe it or not. In fact, Merlin would almost go as far as to say that Mordred had become some-what of a little brother to him. A form of a family. It was a sweet notion, knowing he had someone so close who he didn't have to hide from; someone he could protect and guide.

Unfortunately, for Merlin, Mordred had not been able to stay the night the day previous, so Merlin was left to his own devices until the younger showed up. With nothing better to do, the dark haired warlock took to sitting down on a fallen log by the lake and staring intently at the pristine surface. It was so calm all around him; the only sounds being that of the lake itself and the soothing nature that surrounded, far more peaceful than the bustling and obnoxious noises in the city of Camelot. The very thought of the place now sent conflicting emotions to Merlin's heart, a combination of distaste and longing, nostalgia and warning. He hated that he no longer could love it as a home, now being forced to remember it as a past life. A past home, past routine, past friendship, past Love-

Unexpectedly, a surging pull shot through Merlin's chest and spread throughout his whole being, igniting his magic and making it spark within every nerve ending he possessed. He had felt this before, this pull; the push that Destiny would force over him to make him see what he refused. It was the same way he had made the decision to seek out Mordred. However, this time was different because-

_He knew exactly who Destiny was forcing him to seek and cursed at his magic for the longing feeling it drove into him. Opening his eyes for the first time, Merlin saw that everything was slightly distorted, in very faint ways. Some areas being brighter or darker than others and a strange presence made him uneasy. This was a Connection, one gained only through that of magic and the dreams of another. He heard his name softly whispered, just a faint sound that easily blended into the lull of the ongoing breeze, but he didn't turn around, refused to acknowledge his previous King. Merlin felt the blond shuffle closer until they were side by side, Arthur standing and Merlin sitting. No one said anything for a long while, until Arthur finally broke the ice. "Long time, no see."  
>Merlin snorted vaguely at the pretty informal greeting, but not in amusement. "Nearly a good six months I'd say." He stated blankly, letting it hang in the air as he continued staring out at the water and not at Arthur. Said royal sighed heavily before sinking down beside Merlin.<br>"How have you been?" Arthur asked meekly, a characteristic that belonged to neither a King nor Arthur himself. Merlin pushed down the need to take away the shyness and tried to hide it with snide comments.  
>"You mean besides being banished, forced to leave my home and being ripped away from everyone I love? I'm fine, in fact, I'm doing better than I have in a very long time." Merlin bit out dully, finally glancing over in Arthur's general direction. What he saw was a man more fragile and broken than the Arthur Pendragon that he knew, yet at the same time more guarded and jaded. He would even try to say that Arthur looked 'Guilty' but he quickly bat that thought away as well.<br>"The knights want you to come back home." Merlin almost flinched at the reserved statement. Arthur specifically said that 'the knights' wanted him to come back, not Arthur himself. Had he still been in Camelot, he would have found Arthur hiding behind his pride very endearing, but now it only made Merlin angry.  
>"I am home." Merlin noted hotly, not caring if his words were seemingly unfair. It was true. This little shack was his home now, a fact that couldn't change because of a silly dream- vision, whatever this was.<br>"You can come back." Arthur conceded. It was obvious that there was something missing in the blond haired king. Something that Merlin couldn't (and didn't want to) place. Almost as if Arthur was trying to hide something that would unravel him if anyone found out. Something even he didn't want to acknowledge. "You can… Just apologize and we can all return like this never happened…. You never told me you're… that…and I never banished you."_

_That. That one sentence was what sent Merlin over the edge. His head snapped to the royal's, quick enough to cause whip-lash. "You're joking right?" He asked angrily, almost warning Arthur to say it again. He did.  
>Suddenly, Merlin didn't care about it anymore. Didn't care that he was once Arthur's best friend, didn't care that he was just another sorcerer to Arthur, didn't care that it was <em>_**Arthur**__ and certainly didn't care for any of the consequences that could very well come from his actions. This wasn't real, after all, just an illusion, a painfully infuriating dream that he was determined to keep going until he was finished. After months of trying to forget about Arthur, the Prat had no right to waltz into a dream Connection and ask anything of him. With a grunt of frustration, Merlin stood up and glared down at Arthur, letting out all the contained pain and rage that he had been feeling for so long. Let it out and made Arthur know that he was no longer a servant to be ordered about and no longer a shadow to be ignored.  
>"You want me to apologize? Me? For what? What have I done that deserves my apology? I haven't hurt anyone! I haven't done anything but keep Camelot safe and save your arse! All I have ever done is help you and see you become the king you were meant to be, I never asked for anything more, not even recognition for what I did on an almost daily basis. And here you come in, all high and mighty, demanding my apology? Explain that to me, Arthur, because I'm quite lost." He barked, his tone harsh and accusing. That seemed to be Arthur's limit, as well, because he shot up and started walking away, It could have been that he was simply trying to get away from the accusations because he couldn't take hearing it out loud, but Merlin wasn't finished. Without any need for words or even a hand movement, Arthur was flung back into a nearby tree, pinned there by invisible hands. "No, Arthur, you're going to listen to me. After so many years of ignoring me and calling me an idiot, you are going to listen to everything I have to say and you're going to listen and <em>_**understand**__." Merlin instructed, not giving Arthur any chance to argue, not that he would in the first place.  
>"You really are a prat, you know." Merlin started, anger still evident in his tone, this wasn't about Merlin getting his anger out anymore. This was about showing Arthur exactly what he had, exactly what he lost and what he would never be able to get back. Merlin was showing himself for who he was and wasn't going to let anything stop him. "I have only ever served you for the good of yourself and your kingdom, I have risked my life so many times, lost so many people— lost the only woman I loved because of you… You killed her and I held her while she died! I even lost my own father! The last Dragon Lord? That was my father, Arthur. He was my father and I had to hide that from you, hold him in my arms as he died in your name and pretend I was crying for the loss of hope for Camelot. I even nearly lost both my mother and Gaius when I saved you from the Questing Beast. Yes, that was me! I went to the Isle of the Blessed and was willing to trade my life for you! I gave up so much, so very much to see you become a great King, hoping that one day you could accept me, even a little bit. Then, you find out about who I am… and you give me this!" It wasn't even anger anymore, it was pure, raw emotions of hurt and loss and pain that Merlin conveyed through each word. Words he had bottled up for so long that he couldn't stop even if he tried. <em>

_He's stepped closer now, standing right in front of the blond, pointing to the small scar on his temple from when Arthur threw him down onto the floor. "You give me this, and banish me, rip me away from all that I love and care about, only to come to me months later, telling me to come back? Demanding that I apologize? What are you thinking? Not only that, but you're asking me to hide who I am- again! You want me to lock away a part of myself, one that you already know of, just to come back to being a servant? A replaceable tool that you already so easily cast away? How can you possibly ask that of me?!"  
>It was then that Merlin finally took notice of the tears in Arthur's eyes. That seemed to sober him and unclouded his mind, though he did not feel guilt. At least, he pushed the guilt down before he could really dwell on it, more so, an awareness to Arthur's pain. A pain Merlin didn't even realize he was capable of causing. His eyes flashed gold and Arthur was released from the spell's hold to crumble and fall to his knees in front of the sorcerer.<br>"I- I know…. I know what I did, I- Please….. Please Merlin… I need you to come back… I need you back," Arthur practically whimpered as the first tears fell and the rest came to follow. It was as if he was completely breaking down, breaking apart because of one servant; one damned man was turning a King into a broken wreck with only his absence. "but…-I just can't. You have magic. You, of all people….. I-I've lost so much from trusting those with magic… My mother, my father, Morgana, so many of my own people have suffered from my over-reaching trust…" Merlin honestly didn't need to hear this, he already knew it all first hand, but, something, a fractured little something twisted his heart. It gripped him tight and wrenched the facts he had worked so hard to forget right out of his memory and heart. This was Arthur. Arthur Pendragon, son of Uther. The Once and future King who was a prat most of the time and a great man even then. The best man. The Greatest King. The Great King who was shaking at his feet, a sight that chilled Merlin to the core. Arthur was never meant to bow to any man, was never meant to bow to him. This wasn't right, Merlin realized. None of this was supposed to be happening. Merlin was the one meant to be kneeling at Arthur's feet, in Camelot. Not this. Never this. Arthur would never let himself fall to this level, not in the real world, but to Arthur, this was a dream, a dream that held only the two of them, only themselves and the conflict both were too scared to face. This wasn't reality to Arthur, but Merlin was actually there, at the Lake, able to make something out of this. Able to finally console the Destiny they demolished._

_"__Yet I still trust you… I trust you even though I know what you are- and that terrifies me. I'm so goddamn scared to trust anyone again, but I'm more scared of waking up tomorrow without you again. I just can't- Not now, but I still…. Please Merlin." In all of Merlin's years of knowing Arthur Pendragon, he had never heard him beg, plead and admit his own mistakes and weaknesses so much, let alone in the same bloody sentence. This couldn't continue, this wasn't Arthur. Instinct and nature brought Merlin to his senses at last as he knelt down to Arthur's level, placing two firm, but gentle hands on the shaking man's shoulders. _

_ "__Arthur… Look at me." It took some encouragement, but eventually, Arthur did. "I am magic, I was born with it. It's a part of me… Even if I were to come back with you, magic would have to follow. It's not an option. I come back, magic comes back-" He wasn't able to finish as he was suddenly grabbed and pulled into a tight hug._

_ "__Alright… Just come back…" Arthur whispered as he buried his nose into Merlin's shoulder, trying to claw closer, keep there and never let him move, desperately afraid of being left alone again. This was ridiculous, completely and utterly unthinkable that Arthur could actually throw himself over another human being like a juvenile, crying and begging, but at that moment, in a dream… None of that mattered. He would gladly throw himself onto a blade if only Merlin would come back. He would gladly let Magic return to Camelot. Anything. "Come back with me." Arthur didn't know why he kept saying it, as if this were real and Merlin could just walk back to camp with him. This was a dream and eventually, he was going to wake up. He would wake up and Merlin would be gone again. However, this dream was finally being kind and Merlin's arms were tightly wrapped around him; holding him tighter with every second._

_ "__I'll come back." Merlin suddenly whispered, meaning it with every fiber of his being. This Arthur, this man in his arms was a bare and open version of the man he once served, a man he probably had been serving even if he wasn't there. His absence had opened Arthur's eyes to something that the King had never wanted to admit. Something he never wanted abused or mistreated. "I'll come back, I swear." It was all he could say. What else could he say after all that had been said? This may have been some illusion, or even a dream, in Arthur's case, but it was as solid a promise as any. He would return to Camelot and he would return to Arthur, to his King. He would even bring Mordred with him._

**_ '_****_Emrys! Move!' _**

_Merlin's eyes shot open as the cry rang through his mind, Mordred's tone laced with fear and anger. The boy was in trouble, Merlin knew and since he was still in reality, so was he._

_There was a glint of metal in the distance and the rest happened so fast. Too fast.  
>A scream was heard. The name "Emrys" being cried out in horror. An arrow flew through the air. Blood splattered over the fresh grass and a body hit the floor; Arthur cried out-<em>

And woke up with a start, already on his feet before he truly noticed being awake. He grabbed his sword, boots and ran out of the tent in record time. Faintly, Arthur wondered how shocked Merlin would be if he knew just how quickly Arthur could get ready. Merlin… All Arthur could think of that had happened is that someone had attacked Merlin, someone from the real world who could not have touched Arthur, but had certainly had the ability to harm Merlin. To try and kill Merlin before that boy had…

"Men! Get up! Prepare the horses! We ride now!" He bellowed and the Knights groaned as they stuck their head out from their own tents, having gone to bed hours ago. It was nearly day break. What was Arthur thinking?

"And what is so important that we can't wait until it's a more human hour to be awake?" Gwaine rumbled, his hair tossed about and awkwardly spiked from restless sleeping. Arthur was already fully dressed in armor and was fastening his horse's saddle. He only had to say one name before all the knights were scrambling about to ready themselves. Gwaine and Percival shared a look and the taller Knight nodded his head, a silent agreement between them, before they went to get their swords. Leon, being the first one ready, hopped onto his horse and trotted over to Arthur.

"My Lord, how do you even know where he is?" Arthur paused and closed his eyes, the image of the Lake with Mountains and Flowers still fresh in his mind.

"Just follow me..." Was all Arthur said as all his Knights assembled before him. "We're going to bring Merlin home."

To Be Continued...

(A/N: Please PM me if there is any confusion with this chapter. This is one is clearly the weakest, and I'm not very happy with how it came out, so I would love some feedback on how to fix it and would appreciate any requests or questions about the rest of the story. Thank you!)


	4. Chapter 4

Lose Before You Find Chapter 4

Footsteps echoed in a rhythm of rapid pacing in the court room, back in Camelot. It had been a week since the attack in the forest. An entire week since the knights had returned with the two disheveled men, one bleeding and one in a pained shock. Leaving most of the supplies back at the camp, Percival and Elyan had offered to stay behind to pack up what was left as Leon, Gwain, Arthur, Mordred and Merlin rushed home to Camelot.

It was Mordred who had screamed Emrys and woken Arthur from his dream; and had fought tooth and nail to come with the knights, to not let Merlin leave him, to not be abandoned in a time of need. It truly terrified the child that Merlin was going to be leaving for Camelot for God knew how long. Since the knights had very little time for any form of an argument, they took the younger with them, instead of forcing him to return to his home village, letting Mordred ride with Gwaine as they made haste for the kingdom. Arthur had ridden up ahead, Merlin being secured tightly in his arms.

"How is he, Gaius?" the words flooded out and demolished the silence of the courtroom before the physician could make it into the chamber fully. The poor man was a wreck, hair a mess and wrinkles multiplying by the second, having not slept since taking in his latest patient. Although, no one else seemed to be doing any better.

"Not well, My Lord. His breathing has not yet gotten any better and his temperature is continuously fluctuating. I am lead to believe that the arrow has not pierced his lung. However, the arrow itself… well… I believe it was enchanted." He stated, worry and depression dictating his tone. "I'm looking into what the enchantment is exactly, but I fear that it is beyond my capabilities of healing."

A long-suffering sigh silenced any further explanation on the dying man's condition, fingers threading through hair that was greased and mussed from a lack of bathing, sleeping, eating, and basically any other necessity to one's personal health. "The boy… Mordred he-"

"The child is sleeping, I gave him a drought to aid the process. He would not rest otherwise." Gaius stated, his eye brow quirked in a way that indicated his questioning of Merlin's sudden ward.

"Thank you, Gaius… Please-… Please let me know if anything changes."

The elder nodded his head solemnly and exited the throne room with that certain hobble that always defined so much of his character. The large wooden doors banged shut with a depressing ring of finality, especially in the 'click' of the latch, leaving the grieving man to his own devices. He was leaning up against the closest windowsill to the throne, tears blinding his already cloudy vision.

A single crystal tear rolled down a flushed cheek as the over bearing silence of the room finally cracked Arthur's remaining composure. More soon fallowed the first tear and they formed steady streams.

"Merlin, you idiot…. This is all my fault."

_-X-_

"I don't think that he hated you… not completely." Mordred said as he sat at Merlin's bedside in the King's bedchamber. Arthur himself was seated at Merlin's opposite side, looking over at the younger Druid and giving a curious frown as silent consent for a continued explanation. It had been the first thing Mordred had said to the King or any of the Knights that wasn't in a foreign language or a guttural yell to be with his mentor.

"Any time he talked about you, he always sounded distant, but I could tell he still missed you. Even after what you did." The boy pressed on and Arthur flinched at the last part. "He would sometimes talk about coming back to Camelot, one day. When you were ready, but I guess that never happened like he planned." He chuckled, but it was sad and empty, almost scared. Arthur noticed how desperately Mordred was clinging to Merlin's hand and how he was shaking from his effort to hold back tears. The boy was scared to death for Merlin and Arthur was doing nothing to comfort him. Arthur was simply sitting in silence and letting this boy's inner turmoil consume him.

If anything, Arthur owed it to Merlin to help his… Ward? Pupil? That was never really been cleared up, so Arthur figured that talking about this boy's relations to Merlin might prove a helpful distraction, at the very least. The king scratched the base of his neck, then looked down at Merlin. "He means a great deal to you?" He asked, half knowing the answer, and half wanting to know just how much Merlin had impacted this young Druid's life.

Mordred nodded, "He guided me when I was full of hatred for you- um... for Camelot- or-" It was obvious he didn't know what to say in the presence of the King himself. Arthur smiled weakly and waved his hand as a sign for Mordred to continue and not feel the need to show any formality. "Um... A few months ago... My friend, well not really- anyway... She was killed by one of Camelot's knights who was on patrol. She didn't do anything wrong. He just saw that she and the rest of her settlement were Druids and he and the rest of his patrol started to cut them down." Mordred's eyes darkened as his empty hand clutched the fabric of his trousers. "I hated them for it. I was so angry and hurt and I was so willing to join Morgana-" He stopped. "I just wanted to avenge her, protect the rest of my people. Morgana always seemed to have similar ideals. I didn't know she was… I didn't want to kill innocent people, I wanted to make the death of my people not be in vein." Arthur was seething. Camelot's Knights. His Knights had killed in cold blood. Druids were peaceful, that much he knew, and the Knights on patrol were only able to injure others if provoked through violence.

"You had every right to be hateful. I have no excuse for what happened, but I can assure you that the men will be punished to the fullest extent. How did…" He gulped down a lump in his throat. "How did you meet Merlin?"

"He came and found me. It was awkward at first, neither of us could look the other in the eye. I thought he hated me and he thought I hated him." Mordred cracked a smile and it slowly began to spread. "We got past it, though. He started training me, teaching me how to use my magic properly. We would always work on spells and he's taught me a great deal of the healing arts. I can even make a tree grow form nothing now, because of what he's taught me." Arthur's eyes widened significantly, but only for the purpose of showing his awe of the idea. "He saved me- in a way. He's like an older brother to me. I don't know ho-" He was abruptly cut off by screaming and both of the men nearly jumped out of their skin as Merlin let out a second blood curdling cry of agony.

The sorcerer's body writhed and bent as a way to suppress the growing anguish, but that only made the wound in his chest worse. His torso began to rise and fall quickly and sweat now stained the pillow. Both Arthur and Mordred were frozen, fear clinging to their hearts with vice-like grips, before finally they simultaneously screamed for the guards to fetch Gaius.

_-~X~-_

Merlin was dying. That much was obvious to anyone within a fifty foot radius of the castle. He was dying in the most painful way possible. If he wasn't passed out with labored breathing, he was thrashing and screaming in agony. After a rushed and panicked observation, Gaius had deduced that the arrow had a delayed torture enchantment on it, so as to ensure that if the arrow didn't kill him first, the poison would. The poison would keep Merlin alive for a month while he practically burned from the inside in a blind agony.

It had been almost two weeks.

By this point Arthur was absolutely desperate. He couldn't stand this a minute longer and he hadn't been able to stand it a minute longer for the entirety of these past weeks. He didn't know what to do...and that was the most efficient torture for Arthur that could ever be conjured. He'd have preferred to take the cold burning arrow head to the skull and suffer in its throes rather than this emotional anguish. He'd rather die himself than watch Merlin undergo torture and be helpless to do anything about it. Arthur spent his whole life working to be strong and powerful, to work for the good of his people. And now he was nothing but a useless prat, pacing around Gaius' quarters in frantic thought, ignoring the world around him.

It probably wasn't the best place for him to be to work out a solution, or to have any sort of peace from the agonized cries of his dying friend. But Arthur had refused to leave Merlin's side nearly the entire two weeks. He'd even gone as far as to sleep there _on the floor _of all places. He'd complain any other day about how he wasn't a dog and should have a proper bed but now even as people insisted he return to his chambers Arthur kept his place at the foot of Merlin's bed exactly like a faithful hound loyal till the end of his master. All pride seemed to have temporarily abandoned the King in favor of blind grief and panicked search for a resolution. But he found none and he was pacing again, huffing and mumbling to himself and trying to block out Merlin's harsh sounds. Leon - the Knights having taken it upon themselves to remain in the room with their King and his servant in shifts - sat worriedly in the corner, watching Arthur wear a hole into the floor.

Mordred was also there, surrounded by books upon books of medicinal magic and potions, trying to find anything familiar to what he had been taught. Nothing. Merlin had taught him a great number of things, but this, this was something beyond Mordred's capability of understanding. Gaius was even floored by the strange enchantment, having in all his years never come across one that caused such violent pain. On the 19th day of the cruelty, Merlin stopped breathing. His chest stilled and his body went limp for only a few seconds, but the still moments of quiet stunned the whole room into fearing the worst. Then it started up again, worse than ever before and one had to wonder how a man could continue screaming for so long without losing his voice. But what truly shocked the chamber's residents was the fact that Merlin's left pectoral began to glow a fierce amber gold, burning through his tunic and igniting the whole room in an ethereal tinge. Almost as quickly as it had started, Merlin passed out, the glow faded away and in its place, a stark red symbol had burned itself into his skin. The mark showed some semblance to a crescent moon, within its curve, a small sun. No one knew why it had appeared, or what the symbol meant for the warlock it had embedded itself upon. Two more days past with less screaming, but higher fevers and the symbol on Merlin's began to spread in spidery tendrils underneath the skin.

Then came that moment, that glorious beacon of hope when they finally had _something_ to go on - some piece of information that might just help them to save Merlin's life instead of simply watching him die.

They discovered that the form of magic was of Druid origin, but not the spell itself, meaning that the Druids had not directly planned the attack. The only problem was that the enchantment could only be cured by a Druid healer, Gaius had explained, not trying to place blame on a society that would never harm Merlin. Arthur wouldn't have blamed them anyway, but one could never be too careful. Mordred looked around the room nervously, wringing his hands as Gaius and Arthur spoke, until whatever was eating at him burst forth and he called Arthur over. He brought the two of them out into the corridor.

"I… I think I know someone who might be able to help him." He winced as he prepared for Arthur to strike him. He should have thought of this first, said this immediately, but… A small part of Mordred had hoped that they would have found something before so he wouldn't have to betray that woman who had been like an older sister to him, like a mother to him all his adolescence. "My- my encampment, we have a healer… I- I should have told you- but, I was scared she would, you might…" He was stopped by a warm hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see Arthur smiling kindly down at him.

"You have nothing to fear from me or my kingdom any longer. Thank you." Was all he needed to say before they began to make preparations. Mordred gave them the location of the camp and a small piece of parchment with the symbol etched onto it, however, the boy stayed behind to aid Gaius.

It's what Arthur had been holding out for, had been praying for because if they got to the end of this without a snifter of hope it would only mean that he'd made Merlin suffer so horribly for no reason at all. But now there was a goal, a chance and Arthur wasn't about to pass that up - no way.

"Come on, men! We can make it by nightfall if we keep up this pace!" Arthur ordered even though it truly was a horribly difficult task. Not only were the horses exhausted but so were the men, each obviously struggling to maintain their focus for lack of sleep and food. However the King, who had slept and eaten less than any of them currently had hawk-like focus, honed in on the end goal with thoughts of _Merlin, Merlin, Merlin..._ pushing him ever onward without thought for himself even though the difference in him was beginning to show quite dramatically. He'd lost a fair amount of weight as well as how much his skin had actually paled, a ghastly shade of white that emphasized dark circles underneath sunken blue eyes. The matter of vanity aside, no one would deny that Arthur had gained something back in his eyes that not a soul would have thought to be returned.

Though the knights had silently been against it, they kept their ragged pace and did make it to the settlement by morning the next day, the sun just beginning to rise into the clear blue sky. It was a humble village, small huts and clothing strings adorning the clearing fittingly. The clopping of the horse's hooves must have woken the Druids, or at least some, because within moments, almost a dozen were barricading the entrance to the camp. Well, the men at least, the woman and children stayed sheltered in their homes, fearful of why Knights of Camelot would come here of all places. They had done nothing wrong, had made no grievances against the King or any of his court. Why the sudden appearance? One man was brave enough to dare step forward.

"Why are you here? We are a mere people living among one another. We have caused no reason for your arrival, what brings you?" he asked, stiff with anxiety. A few of the men watched their comrade with baited breathe, some ready to defend the man should he be persecuted and others ready to haul ass.

Arthur dropped down off of his horse, watching the terrified people scatter and back away from him. He made no sudden moves, standing with modesty, but purpose as he took a few brief steps forward and then stopped, allowing his presence to be taken in. A moment later he slowly unsheathed his sword, brandishing the blade in wary caution before he slowly outstretched his arm, moving the sword away from himself and in a gesture of peace he dropped his weapon with a meaningful clatter. He turned to look at his Knights, urging each of them to do the same, the gesture of good faith intended to alleviate the anxiety of an unprompted attack - their visit was not for any causing of anxiety or dismay. A moment later he raised both his hands to display he was unarmed as he looked around the settlement with as gentle an expression he could manage while being so desperate.

"Please, we have not come to harm any of you!" Arthur announced, hoping at least one of them may respond to his attempts so that he could ask for the assistance he needed. "I am disarmed -should you be honorable I pray you do not attack. I come in need of help." Arthur said clearly, voice raised a bit so that all of them may hear instead of just this one man.  
>Many of the camps inhabitants had relaxed at the sight of the dropped sword, even more so when the rest of the knights fallowed suit. Though even then, they were skeptical looks at Arthur's proclamations of peace. No one attacked, however, the knights took note of this with relief. The villagers were all silent for a while, before a small girl stepped forward, ignoring the protests from her mother. She stepped up to Arthur and looked him up and down, almost like she was sizing him up for a fight.<p>

"What do you need help with?" she asked innocently, being the ten year old she was. Multiple Druids looked to Arthur, wondering the same, but too scared to ask. _God Bless the innocence of a child… _Leon thought when he recognized the evaporating tension in the camp as the people watched the child.

Arthur slowly lowered his hands, certain to make his posture as non-threatening as it could possibly be, glancing warily around the onlookers and stopping to look at the worried mother. "I will do her no harm. I give you my royal word." Arthur promised, sincerity clear in his tone as a man's honor was bound in his word. He paused thoughtfully, uncertain of how to approach the question at first...but he felt the patient gazes on him and eventually began to speak, addressing them and not just the young girl. "My name is Arthur Pendragon, son of Uther and Ygraine, rightful ruler of Camelot! Let me begin by saying I...understand your trepidation. Camelot's relationship with the Druids and indeed, all magical beings is strained at the very best...ashamedly cruel at its very worst. But though I know there is no forgiveness for me, nor the sins of my father...I do not come for myself. I come for my dear friend...he is dying, very slowly, very painfully. And I am not a man worth his life...he was wounded while looking after one of your own, a young boy. This man took him as an apprentice, a ward; he is a good man. And to watch him suffer beneath a curse such as this is...an unbearable fate. I beg of you all, any of you...if there is any help you can give then do not give it for me. Give it for a good, honest man who in all his days has done nothing but bring kindness and light to all he befriends. I come in his name...I wouldn't ask this of you if it wasn't the only option I have. I _need_ your help...Rather...Merlin needs your help."

All the Druid's went into a stupor at Arthur's selfless admonishing. They never would have thought that the very King of Camelot would ever show any sort of remorse for what the whole of Camelot had done to those with connections to magic, but here Arthur was. It was even more of a shock when he all but begged for their help. The girl gave Arthur a small, confused look, tilting her head slightly, resembling a very small puppy who was trying to make a distinction of a new or odd sound.

The first man once again spoke up, "I see no reason we should believe anything you have to say. I had many friends and loved ones who were tricked into giving help only to be turned in to the court of Camelot and burned." He accused hatefully, but his tone held more sadness than anything. Others nodded their heads in agreement, making it known that they had all suffered at the hands of Arthur's family. The King winced visibly.

"I understand that and I am not proud of the things my family and my kingdom has done. I know that you can never truly forgive me for the crimes I have so vainly committed, but I will hope that you can find it in your hearts to help a dying man of your own kin." At that, many gasps were heard from the crowd. The phrases 'Our kin?', 'It can't be!' And 'It must be Emrys' were scattered among the people as many tried to decipher what the young Lord meant.

Suddenly, the girl grabbed Arthur's wrist and started tugging him into the camp. The Druids split to create a path, a silent acceptance to Arthur's request, though some seemed reluctant to grant such kindness to such an enemy of their kind.

"Come on! Nira is our settlements healer. She'll help anyone! I'll bet she can help your friend!" she said optimistically, dragging him through the small village. The knights went to follow, but they were held back. They began to argue, not feeling comfortable with allowing to let their king (slightly mentally unstable King) go off alone with the small child to God knows where, but Arthur looked back at them and gave a signal to stand down. Leon frowned, but nodded, along with the rest of the knights. The lot was quickly preoccupied, however, when the Druids started to assault them with questions on who exactly the young King was talking about. Arthur made no further remarks to the Druid people though he still proceeded to emulate nothing but gratitude for the help as he was led towards a rather grand hut, like the kind Arthur used on long hunting trips with Merlin and the Knights.

"Niraaaaaa! Someone needs to see you- right now!" The youth called as she pulled Arthur into the tent, small crystals and feathers hung from hooks in the ceiling, books and scrolls littered the floor which was covered in elegant, yet worn fabrics and pillows. A few trunks and chests lay about the perimeter and two cots lay in the center, behind the support beam that held the entire thing together, making it known that this was definitely a healers tent. From behind a small stool, a young woman, nearly 20 years of age, if that, stood up greet her guests. She was tall, lean, with bright green eyes and hip length dirty blond hair. She was rummaging through a sack before she finally looked up.

"Oh? And did your doll get a tear again- Oh..." Her eyes widened as she saw the King. He entered humbly as the young lady took notice of him. And though any other day, regardless of her Druid origin Arthur was likely to be charmed by her beauty, the King remained morose, the only thought in his head being Merlin's pained wailing as he writhed in anguish.

"May I be so bold as to assume you know who I am? Judging by your reaction - as well as common sense - my presence is rather a shock. I do not mean to be so terribly blunt but you see time is not my ally. My friend is in grave danger and great pain...I have come to you seeking help." Arthur confessed, ducking his head in a respectful gesture rarely received by anyone other than nobles and even then it was very scarce.

Collecting her wits about herself, Nira strengthened her posture and laid down her bag. "You're arrival is quite a shock, I must admit." Her eyes shown with emotion, Arthur knew pain when he saw it, although he failed to see contempt; any hatred or anger. She looked down at the girl and smiled. "Lillith? Go back with your aunt. I need to speak with our guest." Lillith gave a nod and skipped out of the tent. Nira's leaned against her tent's support post. Something in her eyes told Arthur that Nira had a clue as to why he was there

"You must truly be desperate... Coming here, of all places. Tell me, what is your friend's condition? Surely your own physician can heal him." She stated, going to a stack of books and rifling through the tent. "You may sit if you wish." She gestured to a small stool.

Arthur was pleasantly surprised by how easily the woman accepted his presence and as such Arthur loosened up just a little, though retained his humbled behaviors...though he made an active effort to be amiable and gave her a kind smile even though at this time he really didn't feel like smiling, especially not after hearing what had happened to her. What his bloodline had done. "You have no idea how desperate I am." He walked over just a few paces, looking down at one of the open books curiously, blinking as he realized he couldn't read any of the text, foreign runes etched in the covers. The language made him nervous to see as well as thoroughly curious - though he'd never admit it. "He's in absolute agony - it is a curse we believe. The enchantment... My court physician, Gaius was researching the curse and said it is of Druid origin. So, I came to your settlement in hopes of finding someone who may help. It is torture every waking moment for him...the screams are...unsettling." Arthur said with an obvious grimace, looking thoroughly displeased by even the memory of Merlin's cries. He then remembered the parchment that Mordred had given him just before the departure. He scrambled for it as it was crumpled in his pocket. He tried to flatten it for a minute before handing it to the healer. "This is a sketch of a mark on his chest. It had burned itself on his flesh only a few days ago." He briefly explained.

Nira listened to Arthur's description intently and gave a hard, concentrating look to the parchment, closing her eyes and nodding. "Yes... I know the curse that is now plaguing your friend. I'm sorry... I was to believe that such harmful charms her locked away from most anyone with magic. Only the highest in the land can even have an inkling of its existence..." She trailed off, her brow creasing in thought, then she snapped her hand holding the parchment to stiffly reside at her hip.

"Now wait a moment- No. I can't-" She growled in frustration and grasped the bridge of her nose. Arthur felt his heart sink a little at the sight. If Nira refused, then how could anyone possibly hope to bring Merlin back from death's door?

"Please, if you won't do it for me, do it for a man of your own kind." He knew that saying that was a mistake the minute the words passed his lips, if Nira's reaction was anything to go by. Her eyes were wide with surprise and questioning, her lips drawn into a thin line.

"My kind?"

"Yes, your kind."

"You mean magic?"

"Yes."

"They have magic?"

"...Yes."

"You're asking me to heal someone of your court who holds the ability to do magic." It wasn't a question. Arthur didn't say anything this time. He only nodded his head and looked to the woman with earnest.

Nira let out a breath and for a second, one split moment, Arthur could have sworn she looked pleased, but it was soon smothered by pure power and venom.

"Arthur Pendragon," she began, her tone low and threatening, but at the same time, amiss, sad, searching even. Arthur couldn't fathom what she was searching for, but he was prepared to give it to her. "Your father slaughtered thousands of my people. He waged war on a populace who had done no wrong as a whole and we paid dearly for his cruelty. Wives lost their husbands, men turned on their own brothers, and children watched their parent's burn and bleed. My own family and friends were butchered before my eyes. That is only the surface of his bloody excesses. He carried out these horrid crimes under no clear reason and you have done no better than he." Arthur flinched at her suddenly authoritative tone, making it known that he did not have any power over them and that he was the enemy. An enemy asking for a favor, no less.

"You have led plenty of raids against my people and the race of magic. You and you alone have persecuted my people these last years. You cannot hide behind the guise of your father's orders." She kept going, and every word that left her lips sent a twinge of regret and pain in Arthur's heart. "And now you ask for my help. Me, of all people. You have executed and persecuted my kind for years, and now that you have one of magical descent in your court, you think you can just come in here like I owe you anything?"

Arthur didn't know what to say to that. He only shook his head and looked down, but Nira wasn't quite done.

"What will happen if I do help him, hm? Will he stay and the rest of us are confined to live in fear? How is that just? If magic is to be helped in Camelot, than the rest of us must follow.-" She was cut off by a sudden burst of weak laughter.

"You know,...He said something just like that before the attack..." he looked up at Nira with pleading eyes and, on shaking feet, knelt before her, an act that was unheard of for any King to do. "I realize your hatred for my blood line and me personally. I... I don't blame you, but I will tell you this. These past months have shown me what my father has done- What I have done. And I'm determined to set it right again. If he is healed, or even if he is not, I plan to repeal the ban on magic. It will be free once more, but-Please... I need your help. I'm begging you for the sake of the kingdom and a man who has done too much for us all to suffer this fate. I am begging you… At least consider it."

The tent was silent, the only sounds being those from the bustling residents of the settlement outside. Arthur kept quiet and waited to see what the healer would do. Would she turn him away? Would she cut open his throat while his guard was down? Would she-

"Get up. I don't like being bowed to." Nira finally said as she grabbed Arthur's upper arm and yanked him to his feet, a much easier task than it should have been. "I must be out of my mind." She grumbled, but Arthur knew that she had accepted his request and his offer.

"I'm quite glad that you are. Thank you." He smiled gratefully, but Nira only waved off the gratitude with a pliant smile of her own. Arthur noticed that her eyes were clear, that her posture was confident and calm. She knelt by a stack of books and sifted through each on until she reached the assumed needed page.

"The spell works for one month exactly. How long has your friend been like this?" She asked, tucking the book under her arm and going to lift a small vile of crushed leaves to the light coming from the small opening from the tent flap. "Go on, tell me before I change my mind." She pressed after a few moments of Arthur floundering for words, although her words were no longer forceful, simply putting what needed to be put with an efficiency that Arthur was clearly lacking.

"A little over two weeks..." Arthur said, voice desolate as his stomach plummeted through the floor. They had almost no time left. A month? It would take them an entire day to get home at the very least and that was if nobody collapsed from the exhaustion first. Which was very likely going to be him first considering the sort of condition he'd let himself get into. He clearly wasn't the same put-together, collected man he normally was. This had shaken him more than he ever thought possible and he wanted nothing more than to simply be back in Camelot right now, awakening from some horrible dream which he could shrug off with a little training before Merlin brought him dinner and they could spend the afternoon together.

At the word 'Two', Nira practically froze and dropped the vile, letting it roll on the ground. "Two?" She looked surprised, like it almost didn't make any sense. "My God." The woman said fondly before moving about to collect multiple herbs and bottles. "I've heard stories of men with hearts of stone and strength twice as strong die within a couple of days of being exposed to that spell. It may last for a month, but that's if the victim is willing to live and fight. Most men would lose their will to live from the pain... He must be a fighter..." She chuckled to herself. "Can't believe it, honestly... Unless..." She creased her brow again, staring at her hands with a hard look. "What's your friend's name again?" she asked and this time Arthur was ready with an answer.

"Merlin, of Ealdor." He said quickly.

Her eyes shot open and her body went rigid. "Merlin… That- that makes sense." Her gaze went distant as her hands deftly shot about the tent to grab things. "That makes sense… Emrys. Mordred."

"Mordred! Yes, he sent us here in the first place." Arthur cried and for his statement, Arthur was smacked upside the head with a leather sack. "Hey!" He cried, gripping his abused skull.

"That's what you should have started with, you prat!" She barked, but not with venom, merely exasperated and slightly impatient. Arthur felt his throat tighten at the familiar insult. "You know Merlin, and Mordred… They were together, weren't they…" Arthur could have sworn that tears began to form in her eyes, "Is Mordred…?"

"Uh, no. Mordred is safe and in Camelot. No harm has or will come to him." He swore and Nira nodded her head, seeming to believe him. However, Nira rapidly switched dispositions and became fully enraged. The King watched with slight awe as Nira began a full on tirade of brutal insults in her native tongue, (although Arthur was sure he heard some words that would have shocked some men at the tavern,) grinding her teeth and glaring at inanimate objects.

"I'll kill him. Kill him, bring him back to life, and then kill him again just to spite that Idiot! Dammit, I should have seen this coming! It all makes sense that he would-!" Her voice started to grow in volume and panic seeped into the edges of her words. Arthur's eyebrows raised in mild surprise as Nira trailed off into her own little world, even if he too had been mildly lost in his own thoughts, absolutely sickened by the thought of Merlin suffering so much. Nira let out a shout of joy as she came across a long roll of parchment, littered with words and incantations. One was circle din blue ink. A blue Ink that Nitra had given to Melrin.

"Kill who? What makes sense?" Because none of this was making any sense to Arthur.

"That- that utter Pillock! I told him to be careful. Told him to stop-" Nira's eyes once again grew dark, but with a poisonous hatred filling her features. "That witch will pay for every drop of blood." She bit out venomously and bustled around her home with even more fervor. It seemed as though she had forgotten Arthur was still there, especially when she knocked into him and let out a grunt. "Oh! You're here... How long have you been standing there?" She asked, seeming to have just lost her mind, now coming back to reality and gaining back her (Average?) demeanor of being level headed.  
>Arthur rested a hand on the woman's shoulder to steady her for a moment.<p>

"I've been here the entire time. You mention someone called Emrys. Who is that?" Arthur inquired with a curious frown, wondering if this 'Emrys' may be able to help their situation any or if perhaps this woman was just a bit mad.

Nira's eyes widened. "You... You don't know who... Right, he never wanted you to..." She looked to the ground in thought before popping her head back up to smack Arthur upside the head.

Again.

"I know what you're thinking and I'm not crazy! I just know something you don't." she quipped. "Merlin can tell you himself." the dirty blond stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "I know how to heal him, I believe, but we must make haste!" she said busily as she pulled away from Arthur to grab a satchel and start filling it with bottles and vials, along with some leather pouches filled with only God knew what.

Arthur frowned at the abrupt smack to the head and flailed a bit, resisting the urge to hit a lady. However much of a Lady this girl actually was. Though for whatever strange reason she made him smile a bit. The way she ambled about the place was...pleasant to watch and her obvious lack of care for title or class was comfortingly familiar. It reminded him of Merlin in a way. Because really that man had two left feet sometimes but on occasions Arthur caught the servant carrying himself with a certain air of dignity that made him seem so...powerful. The King had never admitted this...nor would he, but he most certainly thought it. He eventually gave a curt nod at her determination to hurry and Arthur's focus returned to him, jaw set in determination.

"I'll go ready the Knights." Arthur announced before running off, calling out to his men as he approached, picking his sword up from the grass as he passed by it to return it to his sheath. "She will help us. Come, men, ready your horses!" The knights had rested and let the horses drink some water. After Lillith had come back with a grin on her face, the Druids had offered food and drink to the tired men and did the same to the king once came back out. The horses were readied quickly and Nira came over to them not long after, wearing an emerald robe, showing off her stature, though it was brought down a peg by how worn it looked. She had readied her own horse and gesture for Arthur to go forth. The King opened his mouth to give the command, but the girl, Lillith, suddenly burst forward from the crowd and latched onto his boot. Nira quirked a brow, but smiled all the same in a fond way that Merlin sometimes gave to the Knights or to some of the children in Camelot. Honestly, the similarities were becoming a bit haunting.

"Please let Nira come back. And Mister Emrys, I miss his stories about you." The child pleaded and Arthur was at a loss for words. Let Nira come back…? Right, Knights, Druid being taken away on short notice… Of course. He nodded to Lillith and reached down to lock their pinkies in a childish promise, but one he would keep nonetheless. He began to ask about the 'Stories', but Nira cut him off and shooed the girl away with a brief goodbye and the locking of pinky fingers.

"Lead the way." She encouraged and within moments, they were all in a steady pace for the kingdom. The knights (and horses) were glad to see that although the pace was urgent, it was not as rough on their animals as when they were first in search of the settlement. Arthur couldn't help but notice the way Nira looked back to the people of her village and turned back almost immediately with a look that made it clear she didn't expect to return.

When the King and Healer were well up ahead of the knights and out of ear shot, Arthur spoke.

"You seem convinced that you won't be coming back." He stated, looking ahead at the road and not looking over. Nira shrugged and smiled sadly.

"I have accepted the fact that my life may be sacrificed for the greater good." She replied.

"The girl… You promised her you'd come back." He noted plainly, kicking his horse to pick up its pace, he was followed immediately.

"I said I accepted the fact that my life may be taken, I never said I didn't plan to fight for it. Just as you promised Merlin you would save him. I made a promise to fight." Nira looked over at him and grinned. "I plan to fight for the Prophecy, for my friend, and…" She trailed off when Arthur suddenly looked at her. "Merlin and I share a special relationship. We're friends with common beliefs and interests. He's told me a great deal of his past and future plans. Can't say we haven't argued, but I value him higher than any man."

"You love him." Arthur said, feeling a twinge of shameful jealousy. Nira chuckled and shook her head.

"Don't we all?" She shook her head again. "No, I'm not in love with Merlin. I love the man he is, yes, the man he wishes to make out of the common person, the King he wishes to make out of you." Her eyes flashed with emotion and her smile spread infectiously throughout her whole being. Arthur, surprisingly, smiled back, allowing the confidence she had in both Merlin and himself to seep into his own soul. "Anyway, I have already been told that Merlin has been saved for someone else." Her eyes were twinkling with mischief.

"Who?" Arthur found himself asking, leading his horse to come a bit closer to hers, bust she suddenly laughed and broke into a challenging gallop ahead of the party.

"For my King!"

_-~X~-_

The group, against Arthur's wishes stopped and made camp for the night, only about a hundred miles out of Camelot. The night air blew past in small gusts, rustling leaves and forcing the branches to sway from their places high above the heads of the travelers. Off in the distance, an Owl stalked in the dark and swooped down to snatch its dinner of an innocent field mouse, its claws taking hold of the poor creature and flying off with the cover of night being to its advantage. The small rodent didn't even have time to feel fear before its neck was snapped. The Knights unloaded the horses and began to set up camp, pitching tents and setting up a small camp fire. Arthur fidgeted as he sat by the flames, wringing his hands and disregarding any attempts from his Knights at getting him to eat. Small chidings of: 'He will be fine, My Lord.' And 'Merlin lasted this long; he can last one more night.' Only spurred on Arthur's anxiety. Nira was also uneasy, glancing at each of the knights and making eyes contact for a brief moment before they would turn their gaze away. A pregnant silence fell over the party and stayed that way for a long while. Finally, Nira cleared her throat and stared at Arthur.

"My Lord, you must eat." Arthur didn't seem to be paying attention, Nira rolled her eyes and grabbed a piece of dried meat, flinging it at the King's face. The Knights stared, wide-eyed at the girl, then at Arthur and back at Nira; Gwaine was smirking at her like a proud mentor. "If you don't eat, you'll be condemning all of us to dragging your sorry ass back to Camelot, something I refuse to do. You'll be of absolutely no use if you're too weak to hold up a sword," Arthur glanced up, but went back to fiddling with his fingers. "And no use to Merlin. Now eat." That got his attention, the Knights looked shocked that she would actually give Arthur an order. The Blond man blinked at the meat, before glancing at Nira and giving a small sigh through his nose.

"I suppose." He finally conceded and chewed on the meat, reaching over to snag a hunk of bread form the open bags of food. Gwaine and Percival looked over at each other and grinned, Elyan smiled and went back to his own, Leon kept his eyes trained on Nira, truly impressed with this child. Eventually, the tension melted away and Nira made conversation with each Knight in turn. Elyan and she had an exchange on his past experience in other kingdoms while aloof. Gwaine shared his many Tavern stories and Nira was able to counter with a few of her own, to everyone's delight. Percival was even able to talk with her about her past involvement with marriage ceremonies and the different customs of the Druids. Leon, to everyone'd dismay, began a debate on tactics and strategies of chess and battle. Arthur watched and listened to each set of dialogue with earnest and smiled to himself at what he was witnessing. Knights with a Druid. His Knights, conversing and enjoying the company of this Druid who possessed Magic. If this didn't prove to Arthur what was possible for the future of his kingdom, he didn't know what would.

"Where did you learn it?" Arthur suddenly blurted during a moment of calm. All movements stopped and several pairs of eyes stared back at him. The Knights looked surprised, almost dazed; had they forgotten that she could perform magic? Nira, however, did not look shocked, only calculating as her eyes pierced through his and began searching for any sign of ill-intentions. Arthur knew she would find none. Their eyes stayed locked for a solid minutes, before the Druid shrugged and leaned forward, hands clasped and gaze now transfixed on the burning flames of the fire separating them.

"I began training and studying the art of magic at a very young age, I would watch me father use it for healing and would always pester him to teach me even the simplest of spells. Our camp was far from Camelot, so he would instruct me in the ways of medicinal and elemental magic. It came very easily to me, naturally, my father realized, so he soon sent me to train with the High Priestesses, letting them train me to reach my full potential. They taught me to heal, to guide, to manipulate the elements to bend to my will, to become one with the earth and make contact with the natural magic that flowed within itself. I'm an advanced learner, by the age of twelve I had already mastered most elemental magic and could make a tree sprout from the earth." She paused, her hands suddenly shaking and her eyes watering. "The Priestesses allowed me to leave for home to see my family, as a reward of sorts. I thought they were simply being generous, but now I know that they had sent me away to protect me. Not two days after I left, every person at the foundation was slaughtered, burned and tortured. I came to no better when I reached home. Red was dripping from every body, so many screams… Children I had known were lying dead, women who I would watch and help with laundry were being raped and bludgeoned. I could only watch as a knight of Camelot cut down my mother right in front of me, my father clutching to me as he was stabbed to death… And they _laughed._" Nira's eyes were stone, keeping to the fire and retaining a placid expression, not allowing any form of expression to become apparent, but Arthur saw her hands clasped painfully in front of her, her knuckles bone-white. She blinked a few times before seeming to regain her composure. "My apologies," She said calmly.

"No, it's nothing to apologize for." Was all Arthur could say. Really, how could he have been so blind to allow innocent people to have been butchered at the hands of his father and knights? "No one should have to undergo something like that, and I know that you could not have been the only one. I only wish I would have known sooner. I would have tried to stop it."

"Do not lie to me. You feared the wrath of Uther as much as any of us." Nira accused, hands still shaking, but her eyes once again free of pain, a small smirk on her lips. She was not angry with Arthur; no, not even with the Knights who attacked, but she hated Uther with a passion. However, no matter how much she hated Uther and what he did to her kind, she would never hold it against Arthur and his men. The King actually laughed a bit at that, because, to a point, it was true. He was always so afraid of letting his father down and speaking out against him was always unthinkable to Arthur. But now, it all seems so insane. How could he have thought that all connected t magic were somehow evil? That it was just of him to turn blind eyes to the begging of mercy. How could have been so bind to think that Merlin would be like Morgana?

"Very well, but please, forgive me and my kingdom for the lack of insight to understand the existence of bad, as well as good magic." Arthur bowed his head and soon each knight did the same. All the men, however, leapt up with small cries of surprise as they felt invisible hands smack the back of their heads. Nira was rolling her eyes, stifling a laugh as Gwaine flailed and fell into Percival's arms, having (been pushed) tripped while in mid-jump.

"That's all you ever think of with magic, isn't it? Good and Evil, Right and Wrong, Black and White. There are no differences when it comes to magic." Nira began and all the men grumbled a bit before listening intently. "Magic is a constant force, a path of eternal energy that can be wielded, it is no different than a blade. Tell me; your knights, your guards. Do you know each one of them as closely as a brother? Yet you place a sword in their hands and give them your trust. It is exactly the same. Should you place a sword in Gwaine's hand, it shall be used for only good and for the benefit of his people, place that same blade in the grasp of one of Morgana's men, then it will only be used for bloodshed." She broke off abruptly form Gwaine's sudden outburst.

"Why me? Why is it always me, why don't you pick on Percival? Corrupt him a bit!" Said Knight blushed and looked down at his hands. Nira smirked knowingly and glanced between the two because Gwaine had yet to remove himself from Percival's lap. It wasn't hard to see what she was trying to convey, but she turned away from the subject mercifully.

"As I said before, the sword remains a constant presence. It cannot change, only the heart and mindset of those who possess it. Magic is no different. Magic is a sword, Arthur." She was suddenly speaking to Arthur alone and turned to face him more accurately. "It is only as good or evil as the heart of the person who wields it. It is a force that you cannot wipe clean from existence. Many believe this, but the fear you and your father drove into the land has poisoned everyone's judgment." By the end, Nira was still clam as she could be, but she seemed tired, or relieved, none of the men could tell which. Arthur's hands were shaking, but he was able to stand and kneel before Nira, placing a hand over hers.

"I swear that once this is over, Magic will be restored. You have my word." He promised. Nira smiled gently and stood, bringing Arthur with her. She still didn't like being bowed to.

"And I swear, I will do everything in my power to heal Merlin. You have my word." She promised with the same level of sincerity and at that point, Arthur was actually beginning to believe that this would work out, that Merlin would be alright and life in Camelot would finally be changed for the better.

"So, Nira, how did you meet Merlin?" Elyan asked, Gwaine, Percival and Leon all nodded and looked to her, but she looked right at Arthur.

"Merlin came to my settlement a few weeks after his… after he took leave of his duties. He is a Warlock, the greatest the world has ever known, a man who is revered in my culture. Met him when he stumbled into my tent and nearly knocked me over. We began talking, sharing spells; he would tell me of his life in Camelot and all he did, why he no longer lived there. In turn, I told him of my past and we made a mutual agreement that we were of equal standing. He told… He is very dear to me, just as he is to any of you." Arthur cocked his head to the side of the bit, feeling that there was something crucial that Nira was not telling them, but chose not to push it. The night went on for a few more hours, less drinking and more conversation, allowing questions to be asked, answered and even avoided, for stories to be shared and to be taken in with great consideration. When they all finally went to bed, Arthur offered Nira his tent, but she declined with a chuckle and a grin to the stars.

"I prefer to watch the knight before I sleep. Much more beautiful, when it's the last thing you see that day." Arthur considered the words, and then grabbed a blanket to lie on the grassy earth beside her, the last vision of his day being a gorgeous night sky and a thousand stars blinking over his head.

_-X-_

As they neared the Citadel the next morning, all of the riders noticed something was off right away. For one, the ground seemed too worn, as if it had been a very busy travel road which was tred upon daily, but that wasn't the case at all. It was a secret route that Arthur had known about for safe passage through the woods. Something had rode across this path. Something big.

The air was also different, thicker, even. It hung heavy around them and labored their breathing a bit. The horses could obviously sense it too, as they began to whinny and turn away from the path. Nira's was the only one that stayed remotely calm as she rubbed his neck and whispered caring words of love and encouragement into his ear. There may have been a few magical words in between croons, but Arthur passed it off as exhaustion and the fact that he was a few paces ahead of her.

When the stench of burnt wood and rubble filled the air, the group kicked their horses and began to speed towards the kingdom, their fears being confirmed as they saw billowing streams of smoke emitting from within the lower towns and- dear God, the castle itself seemed damaged as well. Arthur's eyes widened, even more dread making him slow, before bolting at full speed for the main gate, Nira and the rest of his knights following close behind.

It was horrifying. As if a hurricane, tornado, and meteor shower had struck the entire city all at once. Fires were scattered about the lower towns, pieces of wood and stone fell from roof tops and smoldered in the aftermath. Men, woman, and even children littered the streets as they tried to recuperate and figure out what to do. Tried to guide themselves without a leader. Without a King.

"Men! Dismount and help all you can." Though Arthur wanted desperately to help each and every wounded citizen that he passed, he needed to get to the castle and find out what exactly happened. His knights nodded and dismounted instantly, running off in different directions to help the fallen civilian. As they rode past the main gates, the number of people wounded or even dead were increasing and the result was an even more sickened Arthur and Nira.

"Sire!" A young knight wheezed out as he used his sword for support while he staggered towards the pair. "My Lord… t-they just… It was so quick, we-.. We… couldn't prepare and…" He was stopped by his own coughing fit. Nira instantly was off her horse and helping him to stand up right, rubbing his back to soothe his wretched hacking. "They just stormed the city… Just came in and- we did try to fend them off, but- there was nothing we could do, it was like all the forces of the earth wouldn't allow us to fight back…They had a _dragon!_ Fire rained from the sky. It was magic, Sire." Nira paused, but didn't retreat from holding up the young man.

"Morgana." Arthur confirmed, looking from the knight to Nira, then back again. Having already gotten off his horse, he placed a reassuring hand on the boy's shoulder and squeezed. "Good man, take care of yourself, then help who else you can." He instructed. When the knight went to perform his duties, Nira placed a hand on Arthur's arm, eyes comforting, pleading and warning all at the same time, telling hi to prioritize and take extreme caution. Arthur was beginning to realize that Nira was very good at knowing exactly what to say with only her eyes.

"It seems they have come and gone. They must have been looking for something. I don't think anyone could launch an attack like this for just anything, even an overthrow would take less. It was too short to take full control anyway, but too extravagant to simply be a robbery of the treasury. A distraction perhaps?" In any other case, Arthur would have been impressed of Nira's essential deduction of the situation, but he had more important things to worry about, like why the hell Morgana would make such a statement of attack, only to retreat and take nothing…. At… all… Oh God. A distraction. Of course. This whole thing was a distraction to get to the most important asset. Nira seemed to realize it at the same time as they made eye contact. In moments the two had run through the halls of the palace to Arthur's chambers to see what was within.

An empty bed and an open window. Blood was stained all along the wall to their left and a knight lay dead by the bed. Mordred was unconscious near the dining table, a small head wound on his temple and a burns all along his hands.

Nira rushed in to help Mordred, trying to check his vitals and croon him into waking him up. He was badly bruised, obviously from trying to protect the missing Sorcerer….. Missing Sorcerer….Missing…. Arthur's gut churned and flipped at the thought.

Merlin had been kidnapped, while on death's door with very little borrowed time. Before Arthur could try to think of a new plan to save his missing warlock, the Warning Bells rang through the halls of the castle and in the distance, he could vaguely make out a running guards panicked words:

"Damn! It's a second raid! Quick, get as much ammunition as you can! Run!"

This was no longer simply about Merlin, Arthur thought with horror gripping his chest, this was about his duty as King to protect his kingdom and people. Mordred suddenly groaned and mumbled something in the Druidic tongue. Nira looked over to him and her eyes shimmered with tears, but her mouth was smiling. Arthur couldn't ask why before the deafening sound of a dragon rang through the air and shook the very walls of Camelot. The Healer and the King spared one last look to each other, before Arthur ran out of the room to call orders to his men. This is what Merlin would have wanted, Arthur thought. This is the man Merlin was trying to make out of him.

And he refused to let him down.

(A/N: Thank you all so much for the support for this fic, this is the longest chapter yet and I'm pretty happy with it. I hope you enjoy my OC and PLEASE ask me questions and REVIEW! It always spurs me on to write more and quicker so you'd be helping yourself if you just type a little something! Hopefully the next chapter will be up be up very soon!)


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